The Chronicles of Knight Lisbeth
by rhynium
Summary: Hmm... 1.6K SAO fanfics already? Not bad, not bad-WHAT! I only have 69 fanfics dedicated to me, the Great Lisbeth? And only 13 of those don't have Kirito and Asuna listed as well? Okay, that's it! I'm going to take matters into my own hands now! Just you wait, I'll make the greatest fanfic ever, and then all of you will kneel before my awesomenYou have reached the character limit.
1. Prologue

**Author's Note:** Hi.

* * *

><p>My fingers trembled with anticipation as I grasped the brand-new, lustrous, silver-blue tinted, fresh-out-of-the-box motorcycle helmet in my hands. I couldn't believe it. I spent more than a month's worth of my allowance for a motorcycle helmet. But nevertheless, I quickly donned the NerveGear and hopped into my bed.<p>

"«Link Start»!" I cried into the silent room, and suddenly I felt my consciousness pulled into a blindingly-bright rift that somehow reminded me a lot of those antique video players that displayed that weird rainbow-bar pattern whenever the signal was cut. I had scarcely begun reminiscing about "them good ol' movies" that my parents just always kept revisiting when I found myself staring at a glittering fountain, spanning an area greater than I could capture in my field of vision and spouting columns of water onto my... head.

"GAHH! WHAT THE HECK!" I cried in shock as I scrambled out from underneath the gushing water and made an unmaidenly leap over the fountain walls right onto someone's head.

Everybody around me stopped and turn their heads as one as I rolled off the stranger. I could see the steam venting from my own face as I apologized profusely while bowing towards the figure still on the ground, covering an impact crater. But when I looked up after the third time, I found myself gazing directly at a set of really muscular abs. _Uh oh_, I thought in trepidation. _This is going to hurt..._ Suddenly, large hands lifted me up into the air until I was face-to-face with the player I had only just tackled, which was no small feat considering how much I weighed. _Damn, he's hot_, I thought all of a sudden as I stared at this man in dazzling white armor, spiky black hair tensing against the breeze and greatsword casually buckled to his side.

His manly mouth parted into a deep, genuine laugh that clearly expressed his testosterone. "There is no need to apologize, young miss," he spoke with perfect enunciation as his laughter subsided. "Rather, it should be I who must apologize for not catching you at your time of need." His face steadily drew closer until I could feel his breath on my lips. "Knowest thou of true love, noble lady?" he whispered suddenly.

"I, uh, you-" I stammered, bewildered by his unexpected character shift.

"Speakest not, my fair Lisbeth, lest thy precious breath be wasted. I shall be thy knight to answer thy every desire," his voice rumbled soothingly.

"How do you know my-" I began to ask, but his face was already centimeters from my own oven-red one.

"...fair Liz." His lips began to close the gap.

"-not here-"

"LIZ!"

Suddenly the table underneath me shook violently, throwing me out of my dream. "Huh, who, wha-?" I babbled unintelligently. Eventually I noticed the death glare that my friend Chrono was pointing in my general direction.

_On second thought, make that my specific direction..._ I thought as I slowly backed away, but her sharp voice cut across my ears.

"I footed the bill last dinner! It's your turn, Liz! Or do you want me to..." She whipped out a- _! What is that thing?! There could be children reading this!_

"Uh, w-wait, I-I'll pay, I'll pay!" I sputtered frantically as I quickly tried to calculate the cost in my head. _What was it? Breaded shrimp, pot-roast melt, I think two plates of dragon sushi? No, the sushi was yesterday I'm pretty sure..._ Unfortunately, I happened to glance downwards to where the check lay. _WHAT?! 3230 Col? But I barely even have _- I looked at my player inventory - _600 COL? NOOOOOOOOOO!_ My devil-turned friend steadily advanced, thing in hand and sporting a wide grin that, actually, was very much identical to this slice of watermelon that I once had with my father out on our front deck several years ago.

"Wait, Chrono! Give me a few days! Please!" She seemed to get taller as her chuckling adopted a deep, resonant quality within the room. "I promise! I can pay the entire bill if you just give me time!" A dark aura began to surround her. "With interest!" I cried, desperation evident in my voice, but her hands continued to toy with the thing in her hands, as if asking me when I expected to fully pay her back.

I quickly rifled through the Monster Encyclopedia, pages occasionally ripping or completely tearing out with the force I exerted. _Frenzy Boar, Frenzy Boar, Frenzy Boar, Fr- THERE IT IS!_ I looked past the illustration of the mob lying peacefully in the field towards where the statistics were always listed on the right side. _65 HP... 24 EXP... ! **1 COL?** Defeating one Frenzy Boar gave me 1 Col? Wait! What about drops?_ But by then, the black mist had already obscured the entire encyclopedia. Something slimy yanked me from the ground as I screamed, and it began to haul me off to the dungeons where the devil awai-

"Release her!" A man's voice boomed from behind me. "I will pay the bill."

Tears falling from my eyes, I looked up at my savior. An opalescent crown adorned his head, and a shimmering cape billowed behind him as he strode through the castle gates. Horsemen in bright steel plate armor charged into the courtyard, war cries tearing down vampires from out of the sky. And amidst all the carnage, the king approached me on the ground, his lavishly-adorned armor failing to hide his muscular body. "My beautiful Lisbeth..." I waited with bated breath for the next utterance that would pass between his blindingly-white teeth. "Will you marr-"

"LIZ!"

Rough hands shook me from my reverie. "_Noooo__!_" I shouted at my adversary. "I'll pay! Don't violate me!"

"... what are you talking about?"

* * *

><p>Several minutes later (there was no actual bill to pay), I held a cup of hot cocoa between my gloved hands as I watched the stars twinkle with my friend Chrono. That is, it tasted like hot cocoa, but it was actually called «Fresh Najjjj». I wouldn't be surprised if one of those 'j's was a vowel.<p>

"Hey." Chrono nudged me with her elbow as a crafty grin began to spread across her normally adorable face. Seriously, she's so much cuter than me. Without the creepy grin, of course. "Sooo... what was that about... 'Eek! Please don't violate me!'" She adopted a high-pitched squeal to accompany her act. Several bystanders perked up their ears. _No, s__hoo! Go away! I don't need witnesses!_

"Eh, ehe, uh..." I stammered, scratching the back of my head as I frantically explored the doors in my head to escape my predicament. Otherwise I would never live this down. _Damn, what's a good excuse? Uh... "I was breaking the law!", no, "Somebody else actually said it!", or maybe, ___"I meant my brother!" -_wait, do these even make sense?_

My rapidly churning ideas failed to prevent her next attack. She slid closer to grab my arm and placed a seductive whisper in my ear, "Or do you want me to... _violate_... you?"

Suddenly, my eyes alit with wildfire as I found the perfect comeback. Well, a decent one at least. Actually, a 4 on a scale of 10. Anyway, I returned a sexy glare. "My, my, Chrono-_ecchi_. I didn't know that you were so... _in_-to that kind of stuff! Is this what you meant when you said you collected figurines of your favorite anime characters?"

As if she touched hot iron, she suddenly released my arm. I cheered silently as chibi-Lisbeth's applauded my victory from behind, "_Go Lisbeth! Go Lisbeth!_" Steam was literally spouting from both of her ears as her face progressed steadily from pink to red to... uh, infrared?

"No, w-wait, th-that's wrong, _you got it all wrong!_" She waved her arms frantically. Suddenly a particularly dense puff of steam burst from her head and she keeled over backwards, landing with a *thump* on the floor. Not that she could have landed anywhere else, of course.

"I... did... not know that could happen," I said to no one in particular. "Uh, Chrono?" She didn't respond no matter how hard I pushed her. _Well, at least she's not dead, so let's just go back inside... Damn, I think she's heavier than I am. ... Yes~~!_

* * *

><p>"Nnnnnnn~~~~ ahhh~~!" I sighed after a really nice stretch on my favorite bench on the plaza. Behind me sat the very same fountain that I, that I-<p>

I quickly shook my head before a blush could begin to creep up my face. I stared up at the sky again. The faint, blinking dots far above added a celestial glow to the already well-lit city. I sighed as I took in the smell of freshly-baked loaves from a bakery nearby, the creak of a door as someone entered a shop, the crying of grown men somewhere behind me, the shout of joy as- _wait a minute.  
><em>

I peeked over my shoulder. Sure enough, huddled together under the rim of the fountain wall, there were multiple guys weeping non-stop as a pool of water, most likely not the fountain water, slowly spread under their feet. Surprisingly in hindsight, a bathroom joke was not the first thing to enter my thoughts. _What are they doing, having a crying_ _contest?_ I wondered instead._ Like, who sheds the greatest volume of tears or something before the government rescues us? Give me a break! It's already been a week, guys, man up!_

My practiced eye automatically roamed over their avatars to see what other snarky comment I could think of for my entertainment. _It's not like anybody is going to hear my thoughts, after all.._. As expected, they were all wearing noob equipment, so they probably had never gone out of the city. Unfortunately, none of the men were hot. _Not that I would like to marry a man that cries, anyway._ I was about to look away when the one in the back caught my eye.

_Whoa. Long white hair? Actual, shoulder-length hair? Did Kayaba-dude mess up or something?_ After the grand commencement on the first day of SAO, everybody was transformed into their original, real-world appearances. Including breast size. And sex. And-

I abruptly recalled that awful state-of-mind I had succumbed to after I found out that SAO had become a death game.

"GAAAHHHH!" I screamed into the air, holding my head and kicking my feet. _I SPENT THREE WHOLE HOURS ON THAT AVATAR! MY MASTERPIECE! GONE! AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SEE IT FOR MORE THAN AN HOUR UNTIL THAT ASSHOLE, THAT /+&$#_- I froze. Everyone in the plaza was looking at me as if I were crazy. Which was totally false.

"Uh, haha," I started to explain. "I was just... you know... thinking about the first day... and stuff..."

.

One guy suddenly pivoted on his heel and bolted down the alleyway he just came from, screaming for his mommy.

..._Whoops, was that my fault?_ At least I wasn't the center of attention anymore.

As the spectators resumed their previous activities, a thought crossed my mind. _Wait, that's strange..._ I heard from some other people that the motorcycl-, the NerveGear probably determined our heights and our three sizes when we had to "calibrate" it by touching ourselves in all sorts of strange manners, _but then how did it know how long my hair was? How did it know the exact position of this stupid bang in front of my-_ Actually, I guess for short hair it could probably do it, but long hair? _If I had long hair, I probably would have brushed it aside or tied it up before doing the calibration. Hmm..._ Despite pondering the question for an entire minute, I could not discover any loophole that might have freed me from the game. A more disturbing thought surfaced. _WAIT A SEC! How does it know if a person is a guy or not? I don't recall touching my crotch and then the rest of my body right after, and besides, there are plenty of flat-chested girls!_

And then the kicker. _OH GOD. There were 10,000 players right? There has to be at least one of them that probably used his dog or a cactus or something!_ I quickly looked around for any anomalous characters, but thankfully I only saw humans.

Actually, after «The Great Sex Change», the proportion of girls in the game suddenly dropped. Hence the name. _But hey, it wasn't my fault! I was a guy before that, so I actually increased the ratio of girls to guys!_ I reminisced in the heavenly appearance of my avatar, for I knew that in a few days I would not be able to remember it in all its glory. _That wavy blue hair, the handsome nose, those 190 cm muscle with balancing girth, that perfect shoulder-to-waste ratio, Ohh~~_ I swooned at the memory.

But the reason why I had a male avatar... _was to pick up girls of course! With a name like «xxThund3r_L0rdxx», no lady could possibly resist!_ If there was one thing in the world that I did not understand, it was that all of my girl friends had already gotten boyfriends, but _no one_ had even asked me for a date. Well, not counting the date with one of my girl friends so I could go to the formal last year. I had picked up «Sword Art Online» to figure out why.

The perfect hookup began playing in my head: The gallant lady knight whose party was wiped out by bloodthirsty orcs, werewolves, and killer oxen that now surrounded her on all sides... the heroic charge that I would make, bowling over humanoids and bovines alike in my fervor... and then the passionate conversation that we would have as I carried her away in my arms from the monsters on a golden Pegasus...

"Oh, handsome «xxThund3r_L0rdxx»-_sama_!" - she would wail from within my maxed-out «Bridal Carry» - "If not for your timely arrival, my well-tempered body would have been ravaged by those devil-born creatures, bosom and all!"

To which I would respond, "Fear no longer, my Lady! I have delivered you from the clutches of a cruel death ill-befitting of your peerless visage. Now, rest in my unrivaled abode until you have recovered."

"My good «xxThund3r_L0rdxx»-_sama_! Is that... a proposal to wed?" Her coy eyelashes fluttered rapidly.

I blushed at her unexpected boldness, but I was not one to toss an opportunity like this out the window. "Verily, I was smitten with your unwavering noble grace, even as your trusted guardians fell one by one in combat with the Legions of Darkness." I knelt on one knee and took her bejeweled hand into mine. "Yes, «My Lady»" - I made sure to emphasize this with English - "I offer my treasures to your house. Will you... marry me?"

She glanced this way and that. "Oh, my! But..." She paused for a deep breath as she readied herself. "The truth is... I'm actually a guy."

I was stricken as my mind rapidly searched for solutions. _Did the Church of Valia allow same-sex marriages? Perhaps there was a provision for a lasting partnership? But then, what about babies?_ Then the obvious answer flashed into my mind.

"HEY WAIT! I'm a girl in real life! Of course I can marry you!"

...

"Uh, yeah, Liz, I know you're a girl. As for the second part..."

_I think I just proposed to Chrono by accident..._

Speaking of which, Chrono was also a guy before «The Great Sex Change». That's why both she and I had guy names at first. I had quickly used the free «Name Reversal Card» that I had luckily found as a one-time sale in one of the shops to change my name to «Lisbeth», a much more boring name I had used for another game back in elementary school. But people calling me «xxThund3r_L0rdxx» felt really strange, and I kept forgetting that it was me. Anyway, Chrono had no ideas, so she decided to wait for a while.

Seriously, though. She's this cute in real life? And before that she was the hottest male avatar in all of Aincrad? Recollections of our first meeting came to mind. I had walked up to someone that I had assumed was a 20-year-old _bishounen_ with long, glowing black hair, if that were at all possible. "Whoa, you're hot," I blurted before I had time to control my mouth.

He blushed and turned away, only to look furtively at me from the side. "You... you look... hot... too," he whispered, but his melodious voice carried clearly into my ears. Hormones began to rage through my bloodstream. _I can't resist!_

I roughly grabbed his shoulders with trembling hands, making him jump in fright with an adorable squeak. "Chrono! Never before have I felt this way for another human being! Take me!" My heart was almost bursting with passion.

"«xxThund3r_L0rdxx»! No, Lisbeth! I will always be by your side, be it within the depths of Tartarus or in some realm where even the Sun cannot reach us! No barriers are insurmountable in our love!" We stared hungrily into each others' eyes. The fountain lapped happily in the distance as the sun touched the hor-

"Earth to Liz!" Someone's hand was waving in front of my face. "Hello...?" _Damn it. I did it again._

Chrono was now sitting next to me. She tore off a hunk of fresh bread and offered it to me, which of course I did not refuse to take. As I chewed approximately 2 Col worth of food, a paradox surfaced in my mind. _Wait. If I actually fell in love with Chrono before we all changed back to our normal selves, would I be gay, straight, or lesbian? After all, we were both guys on the outside, but girls on the inside, and we were attracted as girls to our guy avatars... Hmmm..._

"Uguu~~" came an adorable whimper from my right. "I thought this bread would taste better..." I looked over at her. She was staring intently at the half-eaten loaf of bread held in her hands.

"Really?" I replied as I looked down at my portion. Except I didn't, because I had already eaten it. "I think it tastes just like the ones I used to have in real life." I waited for her to say something, but she was still pouting at the bread. _It's not going to disappear if you just look at it, you know..._

Then it dawned on me. "Ah, I see!" I nodded vigorously. "You don't like this bread?"

"Uguuu~~~~"

"Well then! Let's go get something better to eat then! After all the mobs we killed, we can afford something nice. I'll eat the bread later myself." We got up from the bench and entered a nearby curry shop. The savory aroma of freshly-made curry immediately flooded our lungs, and we sighed happily as one. We quickly sat down, and the menu immediately opened up in a floating window above the table.

"«Avish curry», «Relis curry», «Sweet Rammon curry»... just what are all of these things?" I muttered to myself in wonder.

The waiter approached and executed a fine bow. _Wow, he's kind of cu-WAIT, NO, LISBETH, THAT'S AN NPC, LISBETH! YOU CAN'T DO THAT, LISBETH, BAD LISBETH!_

I pointed at a random item. I was too busy watching his figure. "I'll have this one."

"... mapo... tofu..." came Chrono's order. Scarcely had the waiter left when another _bishounen_ placed two steaming dishes in front of us. I couldn't even see my food with all the smoke.

But Chrono's dish sparkled like sunlight on water. Finely minced pork glistened amidst the delicate cubes of tofu, screaming to be eaten. The sunset-red sauce assaulted our eyes with its magnificent image. I could barely tear my eyes away from the masterpiece to look at Chrono's reaction.

She wasn't moving.

_Chance!_

"Here Chrono~~" I chirped happily as I took her spoon and allocated a portion of the dish befitting her stature, bringing it up to her lips. "Say, 'Ahh~'."

"Ahhh~~~~"

She bit down hard on my fingers.

"YEEEOOOOOWWCH!" I cried. She looked up and stared at me with puppy-dog eyes, but I could clearly see the acting behind them. "Weren't you going to buy me something to eat~~?" she whimpered with her mouth full of finger. We were still sitting on the bench. Invisible tears flowed down my cheeks as I tried to recall my reverie, but it was for naught.

"Okay, fine..." I retrieved my fingers from her mouth. It didn't actually hurt, because Aincrad didn't have pain. Only this really weird numbing sensation that was similar to having your dentist drilling into y- I shivered uncomfortably. _Let's not think about that..._

There wasn't a curry shop in the «Starting City» as far as I could tell, so I headed towards the closest shop that I could find... until I saw her looking at me with large watery eyes, this time genuine. I glanced at the name of the shop that we were about to enter. _Oh, it's a bakery. Whoops..._ I veered towards the left, and she immediately brightened up. _What is she, a puppy?_

Carefully watching her expression, I halted and turned around again. And then I swiveled once more to walk away. And then I stopped. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I burst out laughing.

"_Mouu~~_ Lisbeth, you-, you..." Tears started pouring down Chrono's blushing cheeks, but I could not burn that precious image into my head before an almighty slap sent me spinning around like a top. "_BAAAAAKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~~~~~~~!_"

If I weren't in a «Safe Zone», I would definitely have died just then. I could just see it on the «Monument of Life»: "L̶i̶s̶b̶e̶t̶h̶: 11/15/22, slapped into non-existence"._ But dying from laughter, huh... a dream come true!_

That's right. We were players of «Sword Art Online», the first VRMMORPG in history, as well as the first VR Death Game. And that meant that from now on, I had to be careful not to excite anybody too much. Not that I ever did that in real life, of course.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> That took way too long to write. It was difficult getting the tone to be... okay. I think maybe I focused too much on detail, making it really dense to read. Actually, the first draft totally felt like a 3rd person omniscient story :P. Hopefully once I get a few chapters out it will be better!

But wow, five dream sequences in one chapter. I got really carried away, you see. Did you guys figure out where each dream started and stopped? I tried to push in a few inconsistencies here and there, as dreams are wont to contain. So for example, in the first daydream (well, that's an actual dream I guess), Liz finds herself staring at a beautiful set of abs, and the next moment, the same guy is completely covered in armor. And then, curry shops don't sell mapo tofu.

This chapter is about 4000 words, and chapter 2 is about 5600, so I guess I'm averaging around 5000 words per chapter. Plus or minus 10000 words at the 95% confidence level.

I think you have a good idea of Liz's alternate character interpretation (obscured by several daydreams, though), but Chrono barely got introduced. She will get more screentime in the future, as you probably expected, but not too much since she's not the main character. Well, for both Liz and Chrono, you should really read the next chapters to get a much more solid understanding of their character. After all, this chapter was basically just fun and games.

And that's the prologue!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the idea for mapo tofu, nor am I the author of the Monster Encyclopedia. If anything, it would probably be labeled_ «Argo's Enhanced First Floor Bestiary: Buy Two Get 30% Off!»_ or something. Nor am I a member of the Church of Valia (whatever that is). But yes, I did come up (am coming up) with Chrono's character.

By the way, thanks to that unknown internet artist that drew the cover pic! It took me a while to find something reasonably appropriate.


	2. First Blood

_Several days ago_

".."

"..."

".."

"-HA! My silence had more dots in it!"

"Nnnggghhh~~ Whad you talkin 'bout?" Chrono mumbled sleepily as she rolled over, pulling more sheets with her. Her long golden hair brushed my nose, causing me to sneeze unpleasantly, but she had already fallen back to sleep.

It was late in the morning, and we were currently rooming together in «The Smelly Horror», one of the nicest inns we could find. Not that we actually searched for any. I was sleeping on the floor because Chrono got to the bed first last night, and she was too heavy to move. Luckily the past few days were very warm, especially for November.

As I said, the place was really nice because, at the current rate, we would have somewhere to live for another six days if we shared a room, rather than wasting twice as much money like last night. I hoped six days would be enough time for the government to get us out of this game. I was actually a little worried that they might not be able to pull us out at all, though, since it had already been over two days with no breakthroughs. In contrast, most plots were resolved overnight in action movies.

I rolled over to my left as a glob of drool splattered against the floor where I was moments before. I hadn't noticed when my incessant rolling around had taken me directly to the side of the bed, where Chrono was now hanging precariously, oblivious in her stupor. A slow grin crept across my face. _Prank time!_

I got up quietly and crept over to the bed. I quickly confirmed that, if I pulled from _here_ and _here_, she would unravel from the blankets and slam into the floor. Now, _that_ would be fun to watch! This time, the wicked grin fully enveloped my face as I grabbed the blankets and pulled with all the strength I could muster. I realized too late that I was on the wrong side.

"GGOOOOOOOODDDD MMMOOOORRRNNN-_ooooff_-MFFFHG!" I ripped the blankets away from her body with such vigor that she catapulted into my stomach, knocking me into a comical roll until we smashed into the opposite wall, where she lay like a sack of sweet potatoes directly on top of my head. I struggled to push her off of me, arms and legs flailing, but she was too heavy. _CHRONO! GET OFF! I'm going to suffocate!_ Despite my panic, my voiceless thoughts failed to induce even a twitch in her lifeless form. I could see it now: "L̶i̶s̶b̶e̶t̶h̶: 11/9/22, murdered by sleeping woman", emblazoned in golden lettering on the «Monument of Life». _ACHIEVEMENT GET!_

As my vision started to fade, two winged angels descended from the ceiling, whispering their condolences for my lousy death at the hands of my best in-game friend. The one on the left had a really flashy hairstyle. I decided I would try it if I ever got shoulder-length blonde hair. "Well," spoke she in a melodious tone. "At least you didn't get skewered by a #$&% up your %&%#." The other giggled at a slightly higher pitch. "Oh! You mean the poor #%$$ yesterday that fell into the %#⇈#% when he was being chased by the &&%#% and then it #%%#$ him from behind?" _Damn, that really does suck. I'm glad my life didn't end that wa-_

_-AIT A MINUTE! I'M NOT DEAD? I thought I suffocated already!_ And then I remembered, how some beta-tester had made a comment in a completely unrelated video that I managed to catch on nicon*co before it got deleted: "Z0MG SAO SO K00L! UDN BRTH!" which of course meant that you didn't need to breathe in this game. I ecstatically swung my hands up into the air in happy celebration. _THANK YOUUUU! 1'M 4L11111111111111VVVVVVV3333333!1!1!11!_

...

_Well, then again, it's not like I can move anyway, so I don't think this really counts as being alive..._

* * *

><p><em>Two hours later...<em>

"Auuu~~~~~"

"NO APOLOGIES ACCEPTED!" I roared at a tear-stricken Chrono. "DID YOU KNOW HOW HUNGRY I WAS?" Big teardrops started racing down her face at never-before-seen speeds. Her brown, puppy dog eyes stared back at me as I-, as I...

I tackled her in a big hug. "Awww~~ c'mon, Chrono! Go clean yourself up and then we'll find something to eat!" She yipped happily. Figuratively speaking.

Several minutes later, we sat on opposite sides of a small rectangular table for two. From my position, she looked exactly like T*ma from _Haya*e no Go*oku_ except that she had long, golden hair instead of short, white fur, and she didn't have whiskers or paws, and she had bright, brown eyes instead of dull, blue eyes, and she had bigger boobs, and- _hold on a minute! She doesn't look anything like him! What am I talking about?_ Chrono yawned spectacularly just as she brought her soup to her mouth, spilling it all over her clothes. _Oh... must be that ability to get into your own trouble..._

"Fuahh~~ That was so good!" She beamed as she set the bowl back down.

"Um... the yawn, or the soup?" I asked, just in case. From my vantage point, I'm pretty sure she didn't drink any soup at all.

"The salmon, of course!" She replied cheerfully. I was very confused. That totally irrelevant answer... her unfocused eyes... that carefree way she carried herself... I thought back to that intense debate that we had last night about if we should room together to save money or just find another place. _Was this really the same person I was talking to last night?_ I decided to do a little experimentation.

I shoved two of my fingers in front of her face. "How many fingers do I have up?" I asked.

She stared unblinkingly at my fingers for two whole seconds, head swaying from side to side. And then she chomped straight down on them.

"UUAAAAAAHHHHH! LET GO OF ME! _My precious fingers!_" I reflexively pulled my hand away, but by then, her own hands had shot out and held my arm captive. She started nibbling on my fingers with a silly grin pasted on her face.

"Nmm~~ eheeheheee~~ tasty~~~y~~" After the initial shock of the attack, it actually felt kind of nice, in a ticklish way. Thank goodness for pain reduction. It also didn't hurt that she was really cute. Like my neighbor's dog.

Suddenly, she stopped, and her eyes widened. First she looked at me. And then my hand. And then she dropped it unceremoniously onto the table, clipping her soup bowl and sending it spinning around and around. Her face began to glow like a hot pink lightbulb.

"Uh, Liz, um... you know, I wasn't really... uh..." She started laughing nervously. I joined in too.

"-oh! Yeah, I totally get it! Aha- ahahahaha!"

"Ahahaha-"

"-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"Hahahaha-"

"-ahaha-"

"Ha."

...

Suddenly, she slammed her head onto the table, flashing a purple «Immortal Object» notification into being. If I were a centimeter closer, my still-outstretched fingers would have been crushed into oblivion.

"I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!" - she emphasized each "sorry" with another head smash - "WHENEVER I WAKE UP I DON'T ACTUALLY WAKE UP, PLEASE HAVE MERCY~~~" She screamed adorably. I started laughing uproariously at the hilarious scene, when I suddenly realized that a bunch of other people were glaring at me. _Oh shoot, they probably think I'm some sadist or something..._

"Uh, it's okay, Chrono! Calm down, calm down!" I put my hand on her shoulder reassuringly as I warily watched the other customers out of the corners of my eyes. They were getting a little creepy.

Finally, she recovered her composure enough to start speaking again, albeit with a mildly flustered tone. "It's just that, I'm so used to pulling all-nighters to get my homework done at university that my sleeping pattern is completely wrecked, and then I still have to get up to go to class, and then... and then you know what happens," she ended sheepishly.

I nodded in understanding. She was just like me. Sometimes I did the exact same thing playing _KanCo*le_ right before a big exam. It was amazing what kinds of things you could get done at night. I should give her a brea-_aaaiiiittt a minute._

I looked at her figure more closely. Her single antennae hair wiggled as she tilted her head to make room for the invisible floating question mark that suddenly appeared. I zeroed in on her face. _Hm, no glasses_. Next, her attire. _No suit and tie__..._ I poked my head under the table. _No black leggings either?_ I returned to my previous position. _Just how was this person a university student?_ And then I realized something really important.

"WAIT! You're _older_ than me?" I cried incredulously. "No, even more than that, you're almost _twice_ as old as me?"

She pouted indignantly, her nose scrunched up adorably like a kitten confronted with smelly socks. "Hey! I only just turned 21 three days ago! Unless you're ten years old, I am definitely not twice as old as you!" _Twenty-one? I'm fifteen myself, so, hmm... twenty-one divided by fifteen... seven divided by five... one point four! Damn, I can't use that joke I've been saving up all this time._

Chrono was grumbling to herself as I finished my calculations. "-and I was so looking forward to that all-you-can-drink buffet that my parents were going to throw me that night too..." She paused to take a swig of the soup in front of her. Apparently she forgot it was all over her shirt, not in the bowl. "And then my boyfriend and I would have finished up the night with XX## in my X%XX#&-"

I sprang up on my feet in panic, cheeks hot as iron. "WHOOOOAAAAAA-TOOOOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Unfortunately for my poor ears, SAO did not have automatic censorship like most MMOs. The other customers stared at us again, this time in interest.

She grinned wickedly. "Got you~~" I sat back down in defeat. _So, that's what they mean by "Online Interactions Not Rated by the ESRB"... _I wasn't too annoyed, though. In the three days since we first met, I was already up 6 to 2. I had plenty of time to make her... _suffer... MUAHAHAHAHA-_

* * *

><p>After I finished my soup - Chrono's had long since disappeared from her shirt - we headed back to our shared room, since there was nothing to do in town. After the first quest that I got yesterday, I had assumed that all quests required leaving the «Starting City» and endangering ourselves, so it didn't look like we could maintain our income. Actually, it would probably be better not to maintain our income since it was zero at the moment.<p>

I watched her toy with her waist-length hair. On the bed, of course. Which _I_ paid for this time. It belonged to me! _Myy prreciou_- "Is it really that fun to have long hair?" I asked.

"Yup," she replied.

...

I swiped down with my right thumb and forefinger to bring up the menu. The time read _2:15 PM_.

"It's afternoon."

"I know." At this point, she released the braid that she had carefully constructed, and it fell apart. I turned to look at the wall instead.

...

"I'm bored."

"Cool."

.

..

...

_*snap*_

"-_GAAHHHHHH_!" I jumped up and started banging my head against the wall. "Bored bored _bored bored_ _BORED_!" I looked around the room in wild desperation until I singled out the chair I was previously sitting on. With a satisfying kick rivalling that of a FIFA football player, I punted the chair out the window. "_GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLL-_"

The chair rebounded as a purple «Immortal Object» notification popped out.

"_DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUU-_" I rushed out of the building while still screaming my lungs out and started kicking and punching everything in my reach. «Immortal Object» «Immortal Object»«Immortal Obje«Immor«Immortal-"Ow, watch it!-«Immort«Im-"EEEEK!"-tal Obje«Immortal Obj-_SQUEAL_-«You have gained: 2-«Immortal Obje«Immortal Objec-"_Oof_-Owfhgrbt!"

My wild rampage finally stopped when I tripped over a tree root and planted a sloppy kiss on the trunk. Thankfully, it was surprisingly smooth. Once I recovered my composure, I hauled myself up to take a few breaths while I tried to figure out where the room went. My jaw dropped.

A massive wall of clouds stretched from high to low, with all sorts of slight color variations here and there like a really bad watercolor painting: a little pink tint adorning the clouds towards my left, strips of darker grays running left and right, patches of pale blue where the clouds did not cover the sky behind them, golden fluffs towards the top. I wondered what it would feel like to jump on those clouds in the distance, but I was too far away from the edge to get up and try it. I turned to look in the other direction with starry eyes and was rewarded with a stunning landscape.

An endless green plain stretched into the distance. Several strange platforms sat high in the air, barely anchored to the ground by some sort of fantastical mushroom-stalk formation. Water cascaded off the edge of one such platform, producing a magnificent rainbow. I could dimly make out the silhouette of a monstrous tower in the distance, surrounded by dozens of small clumps of trees amidst a sea of yellow-green grass. I couldn't quite make out the small village in the lower-left corner, though, because of the big furry pig that stepped into my vision, and despite my best attempts to climb over it, it was simply too massiv-_SHIT_.

I backpedaled as fast as I could, toppling backwards onto a large fallen tree trunk as I did so. "W-wha-wha-wh-WHAT! A m-mmm-mm-_monster_?!" I sputtered. _That's impossible!_ _Monsters can't enter the «Starting City»! Especially not mid-level boss monst-_ It pawed the ground dangerously, grunted once, and charged.

"_GYYYAAAAAAAAAAAA!_" I shrieked in terror as I covered my eyes with my arms, though I knew that the wrath of a great «Erymanthian Boar» would not disappear if I closed my eyes, like they used to when I was two. But by some freak coincidence, the trunk I was leaning against collapsed, causing the mad boar's tusks to pass exactly an inch - no, 2.54 centimeters - above my forehead as gravity pulled me downwards. I turned around and kissed the deceased trunk, for real this time. _Thank you, thank you! I will never complain about my weight again!_ But the boar had already looped around and was expected to gore me in T-minus three seconds. Actually, two. _No, make that one- _"GAHHHHHHH!"

The ivory tusk ripped through my abdomen, forcing &&%$» and X$X$ parts out the other side of my body. The tremendous force sent me hurtling through the air in what would have been a graceful double backflip, if not for my guts spraying out every which way. _Hey, I think that's my gallbladder!_ - I pointed to the object in question - _I learned that in biology when we were learning the digestive system last-_ I landed on the ground with a flump.

In the upper left corner of my eye, I saw a green bar receding towards the left. Confused by the unexpected movement, I examined it more closely. _Huh... __«Lisbeth» _[▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒░░]_ 81%... what does that mean?_ Suddenly, I recalled the scene of Chrono chewing my fingers at lunch earlier today. _Ah~~ that was so cute~~NO WAIT! That's not the point!_

I heaved myself up with a pushup that would have made the greatest bodybuilder of all time hide his face in shame. A large red patterned hole shone from my belly button, but my body was otherwise intact. I looked up at the «Frenzy Boar» in defiance.

"That's right!" I shouted at it in the most intimidating manner I could muster. "This is a game! A virtual one, of course, but that just means that you don't actually feel pain when you get hit, or if someone's eating your fingers!" The «Frenzy Boar» gave me a blank red-eyed stare. "Uh, inside joke," I tried to explain, but it only tilted its head further in confusion.

Then I remembered what I was trying to say. "ANYWAY! You're just a big hunk of data, not a real thing! You can't hurt me! C'MON, BOY, TRY ME! _WHO'S YER DADDY?!_" I realized that I accidentally just ripped a really lame line from a certain sex-changing crossdresser in another VRMMORPG when the boar ran up to kiss me in my #%&&#._ Yaaaannn~~~  
><em>

As I twirled around in midair, HP dropping to 54%, somehow my flailing about caused the menu to open and several options to be selected, causing a shining sword to materialized from thin air. It floated majestically, a golden halo surrounding its peerless figure, and then dropped into my stomach.

«-46 HP»

Immediately my health bar turned yellow, but it was still dropping. I started to hyperventilate as I realized that I was now less than half as alive as I was half an hour ago, and more than half as likely to lose the other half. _Is this it? Is this how I die? _I could just see my name pasted on the «Monument of Swords»: "L̶i̶s̶b̶e̶t̶h̶: 11/9/22, stabbed by own sword in strange acci-"_-NO! I REFUSE!_

A fire started to burn inside my eyes as I grasped the sword like King A*thur - except that the sword was currently anchoring me to the floor - and yanked it out from my chest with all the force I could muster. It flew out of my grip before I realized what happened.

"_Crap, my_-" -*SQUEAL*

I turned around in confusion at the unexpected sound effect, only to find my beloved short sword lodged in the boar's side. Its health bar had diminished somewhat, and it was still dropping.

"_HAHA!_" I cried triumphantly. "Ninja-Lisbeth-power to the max!" I ran over to the thrashing boar with renewed fervor and somehow safely yanked the sword out of its hide. Its HP dropped further from the intense action.

"Your life is forfeit," I spoke solemnly to the pitiful creature, while adopting the exact same stance that Assas*in used in his fight against S*ber in the first route. Except that my sword was a little short. "_Try swallowing this reversal!_"

I lashed out unerringly with frightening speed at the boar's furry face. A brilliant red gash appeared across its face, and it oinked in surprise as its HP bar retracted one pixel.

"Uh..."

I opened my inventory and calmly brought out two buns. "How about we sit under a nice tree and talk like fellow... _GYAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!_"

I turned around and fled from the rampaging boar, but it was far too quick. With a dangerous leap, it #%%#$ me in the %&%#, causing me to plung headfirst into a conveniently placed %#⇈#%. My HP bar was now flashing a disturbingly red color. As my HP now read 9%, the blow had clearly been a critical hit. _No way..._ I thought in horror as I watched my life ticking down. _My %&%# is a weak spot?_

Suddenly, it dawned on me. _The boar, yes, if I, my sword and %&%#, HP, of course!_ Even though I was one strike from death, my face glowed with newfound energy for the third or fourth or whatever time as the ridiculously obvious plan rushed into my head in great clarity. I whipped my head around to glare at the boar, spraying bits of %#⇈#% everywhere accidentally. The «Frenzy Boar» yelped as it was assaulted by my defensive «AOE», causing it to veer off course from its charge. _Chance!_

With a battle cry, I leapt after its scurrying form, and with pinpoint precision that would have caused my PE teacher to swoon, I shoved my short sword up its-_CRAP! I MISSED!_

The sword sliced through its left flank and stuck. With a startled squeal, probably from realization of how close I was to disabling its baby-making organs, the «Frenzy Boar» darted away with an extra spurt of speed, yanking me off my feet.

"_Hebu_PH_uMMFFeu_pu_mm_bf_up-_" Rocks and branches smashed against my face as the boar continued on its wild trajectory. _Please don't poop accidentally please don't poop accidentally please don't poop-_ I prayed to my vehicle. Bright red flashing in the corner of my vision suddenly caught my attention.

«6%»...«5%»...«4%»... _Oh, wow, did I do that much damage to the boar already? I guess my plan really did work alri-no! THAT'S MY HEALTH!_

I released my grip on the sword, but my momentum sent me careening into the large boulder that the «Frenzy Boar» had just dodged. "Ugh..." I groaned as my HP halted its descent at 2%. "This is why I hate using Cha*n C*omps."

I barely registered the long, terrified squeal that rang out across the plains as I slowly pushed myself up, head still fuzzy, and bent over to wipe the dirt from my clothes. There were none. "Oh. That's rather convenient," I muttered to myself. Suddenly, I remembered that I was still fighting a monster.

"_Shit!_" I swore in panic as I searched my surroundings for hostile intent, but there were only two boars far to my right. One was on top of the other, quite possibly engaging i-_whoa, that's awkward, never mind!_ I looked away quickly, but saw no monsters, only the expanse of clouds behind me.

"What the..." I started to ask myself, but I let the question hang unfinished, because proper ladies like myself never use swear words. The «Frenzy Boar» with which I was in fierce combat not several seconds ago had disappeared without a trace. I stared blankly at nothing in particular for several seconds.

"Well! Might as well head back to town then, I'm burned!" I stretched the fatigue away from my body, and found to my delight that the «Starting City» was well within my sights. Heck, its walls were so big that I was surprised I never noticed it before.

I was in the middle of humming an upbeat tune from _Nan*ha_ when it happened. Without warning, a window opened in front of me, causing me to shriek on reflex.

« Results »  
>« 24 Exp »<br>« 30 Col »  
>« 1 Item »<p>

I stared at the message in confusion. _Where did this come from?_ I checked under my feet to make sure I hadn't squashed any bugs. And then it came to me. _Of course! Somebody must have finished off that boar I was fighting!_ Grinning from ear to ear, I rushed back home to tell Chrono of my unexpected success. But just as I kicked off from the ground, I heard a slow, methodical applause coming from behind me.

I wheeled around to confront the sound, but only succeeded in tripping over my feet and sprawling on my behind. There, leaning casually under the shade of a tree, was a handsomely-tall figure, clad in red chainmail and sporting a dashing blonde ponytail. His rippling muscles seemed about ready to burst from his armor at the seams. He started to walk towards me in long, manly strides, and now I could clearly see a large round buckler that poked from behind his broad frame.

"That was a magnificent battle," he declared with his strong, deep voice. He placed his right hand over his left breast as if to clutch his heart. "To see you fighting with every ounce of your strength even as you neared death yourself: a true warrior indeed! Never before have I seen such relentlessness, such passion, such guile on the battlefield before!"

I was astounded. My lousy attempts at fanfics never got this much of a review before. I scratched the back of my head and looked down in embarassment. "Uh, gee, um, thanks! I didn't know you were watching all the time..-_wait!_" I snapped my head back up, this time in anger. "You were watching this whole time, and you didn't even think to help? _I almost died!_"

I stalked towards him and made to grab his shirt, but he deftly caught my arm. He chuckled and spoke softly, "It is only in times of great despair that your inner strength can begin to shine." He took my chin in his soft hand, and I blushed uncontrollably. His dark blue eyes were frighteningly attractive. "You have succeeded where others have not, and for that I offer you..." He leaned in closer.

In the heat of the moment, I rose up on my toes and kissed the wall.

"_Pbeweh!_ Wha-" I rubbed my sore forehead as I staggered back from the white stone wall I had just walked into. Then I noticed that I could hear human voices. Looking around, I saw the great western gate of the «Starting City» several paces away towards my right.

"Was that all a dream?" I muttered to myself. Then I remembered that, supposedly, the «Frenzy Boar» gave 24 EXP. I quickly pulled up the menu to look at my stats. Sure enough, I had 48 EXP. _48 EXP? I only killed one boar though._ I recalled my mad dash out of the city. _Ah. You probably get EXP when you run around a lot._ I did remember seeing a «Sprinting» skill when I was checking out all the things you could learn on the first day.

I took a step towards the town, but then I noticed the great crowd just inside the archway. They were all pointing fearfully at a blue creature in front of them. A «Frenzy Boar». It had a little more than half of its HP left.

Immediately I was on fire. "Fear not young ones!_ LISBETH __«THE SAVIOR__» HAS ARRIVED!_" I cried as I charged at the boar. Startled, it turn to face the «New Challenger» approaching, but it was too late, for I was already only several steps away. I grasped the hilt of my sword at my-_where's my sword?_

I looked behind me to see where I dropped it, but there was only the road. Recollections of the fierce battle that I was in some time ago surfaced in my head. _I forgot to retrieve my sword!_ I gaped in horror as the boar began its characteristic charge, very obviously at me. I glanced quickly to my upper left corner and froze in shock. My HP was still sitting in the red zone. _Not just my sword - I forgot to heal!_ Certain death was seconds away.

Time seemed to slow down as adrenaline coursed through my blood. _If I can get around it, I can make a dash for the city. It's a safe zone._ I analyzed the «Frenzy Boar», now galloping in slow-motion towards my position, trying to figure out the perfect timing to dodge it. Its meaty haunches rose and fell with its gait, its tongue slobbered left and right with every leap_-no, that's not what I should be analyzing_. I looked again... there! Each time its front hooves pounded the road, it was ever so slightly shorter. _If I can just jump right when it..._ I bent my knees to spring.

"_WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!_" A voice rang sharply against my ears, causing me to lose balance. The boar was a split second from splitting me in two. "_CRA-_" but instead of being bowled over backwards as two symmetrical pieces of «Lisbeth», I was unexpectedly pushed to the side. The sound of skin being slashed open filled the air as I landed in the dusty road. I glanced back at the boar just as it shattered into a thousand pieces of glass, which quickly disappeared themselves, revealing a gallant figure standing in the road, sword in hand.

I couldn't see his knightly face because the radiant sun was directly behind him as he quickly strode over to me and st- "_What were you thinking! _You could have died!" He roughly shoved something into my mouth, and I automatically swallowed the fresh liquid that flowed out. It tasted like salamanders, but the unexpected appearance of yellow in the upper-left corner of my vision alerted me to my rapidly rising HP. It must have been an HP potion.

"Get back inside." He shoved me towards the city entrance_.__ Sheesh, aren't valiant knights supposed to be chivalrous?_ "Never leave the city if you value your life." I caught a glimpse of a green pendant adorning his neck before he turned around and walked purposefully down the road. In minutes he was a spot of black on the otherwise bright pavement, not that I noticed since I had already dashed back to my room to tell Chrono about my adventures.

"CHRONO!" I shouted as I busted open the door. "Guess what I did!" I espied her prone figure, still on the bed. My bed.

She pushed herself up, clearly startled by my sudden dynamic entry. "Hey, Liz, what's up?" She narrowed her eyes and looked at the spot just to the left of my head. "That's funny, why isn't your HP bar full-" I smiled cheerfully as she realized the significance of the fact.

"That's right!" I said happily as I bounced over to her. "I was hunting boars just now, and I got 48 EX-" She grabbed my shoulders forcefully.

"_Liz!_ Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?" She asked in a rushed tone, panic clear in her voice.

"Whoa, slow down, I'm fiyiyiyiyine." I could barely finish my sentence as she was shaking me so hard.

She was not to be consoled. "_What were you thinking? _You could have died!" _Wow, that sounded almost exactly like that other person before, except he used a '!' instead of a '?'._ Her voice was climbing into falsetto. "Don't you know what happens when you lose all of your HP in this-"

"_CHRONO!_" I roared with all the strength I could muster, accidentally spraying spit, a little of which tapped her on her cheek. She stopped. I wasn't sure if it was my voice or the spit that did the trick, but either way it was awkward. It vanished from her face anyway after a few moments in a flash of green light, only to be replaced by a steady stream of tears.

She lowered herself back on the bed. "Uh, Chrono," I called out to her tentatively. "I'm okay. Really. It was actually kind of fun." _Not counting the time when I was being dragged along the ground, or when it had its tusk in my __%&%#, or when I stabbed myself with my own sword, or... Huh, what part of the fight was fun again? Oh yes. Winning.  
><em>

I sat down next to her. "Hey, guess what. I got 60 Col when I was outside. Why don't we go get some nice food right now?" I grinned at her as best as I could to cheer her up.

She looked at me with puffy red eyes and trembling lips. _MOEEEEEE~~~~_ "Ok." She sniffed, and finally smiled in return. "Your treat!"

We strode through the town arm-in-arm, causing many passers-by to stare. _Hmm. Definitely lesbian, _I answered a question that I had not asked yet. I looked at every shop and restaurant that we passed, until finally, we came to a stop in front of «The Blue Boar», a ramen shop, as far as I could tell from outside. The logo looked oddly familiar, but I was in too happy a mood to think about it.

Chrono turned to me with a bright smile. "Let's try this!" She tugged me towards the building happily. I laughed and cast one last glance back at the friendly streets of the «Starting City» and the hilarious gaping expressions of other players. If «Sword Art Online» could be this fun, maybe it didn't matter that it was a «Death Game». After all, real life was also a «Death Game» in a sense. I grinned at no one in particular, but just as I was about to turn back to follow Chrono into the shop, a sign caught my eye in one of the windows of a building, a sign that made my blood run cold.

«Beginner's Sword»  
>«Only 90 Col!»<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Now I get to rant about anything I want!

I realized that I use words like "suddenly" and "looked" too often. I try to mix it up with synonyms, but there are too many instances. Half of it is probably the genre of the story, but there are probably still some choices I can make to alter the flow of the story and make a "suddenly" without the word itself. Also, it feels like everyone is shouting all the time. Which is actually what I intended, but that's probably not a good thing. Similarly, everyone gets interrupted halfway through their lines, but that was one of the solutions I had for "suddenly," you see. Oh, Liz also says "wait" a lot.

I wonder if 30 Col from one «Frenzy Boar» is really correct, though. I just read something in chapter 5 of Volume 1 - right as Kirito enters Agil's shop with a «Ragout Rabbit» in hand. The guy right before Kirito walks in sells 25 «Dust Lizard's Hides» for 500 Col. I'm highly inclined to think that these Dust Lizards must be at least floor 50. On the other hand, Kirito says in the same chapter that he never went to a restaurant with Asuna before, which is refuted in Volume 8 with «A Murder Case in the Area». So, I'm going to go with 30 Col per Boar as the "updated version of SAO." By the way, did you know that Diabel and the 1st Floor Boss aren't really canon? They only appear in SAO:Progressive, which isn't quite the same universe as the main series proper.

Let's see, other notes... Kirito stated in Volume 1 that he had 312 HP. Pretty odd number. Except it's even. Also, apparently the number of _o_'s in "Goal" depends on what country your in. I wanted to put a Tim Howard joke shout-out in, but it would have messed up the flow too much :( I also decided to check the dictionary for "starry eyes" on a whim. Apparently I used it incorrectly -_-

As a final note, I'm sorry if you don't get any of the references. It was a lot of fun to write, and somewhat faster than the last chapter. Although, I did have to scrap a significant chunk early on when I realized I had run into a dead-end. In contrast, chapter 3 as of now sucks *sigh*.


End file.
